Please don’t disturb the Captain As he takes his blessed nap On his golden bed, that’s wrapped in Velvet curtains. Take this map! Plot our ship a fruitful course Through rough and rocky seas! Furthermore, some other chores: Hoist the mainsail, please!
c: Please- Don’t disturb the Captain The Captain’s awful rough He can’t be more disturbed He’s been disturbed enough.
Swab the decks! Feed the crew! And plug the leaks- and dance! The lido stage awaits you (And you mustn’t wear your pants) The captain also cut your pay Admire his moustache! Make bondage gear from macrame To sell for extra cash! c. g. Don’t try to ask the Captain, Don’t awake him with appeal The ship would soon be scrapped, in Moments, should he take the wheel He may have once known how to sail But now he sees mirages, He only works on cocktails And soliciting massages c. Now hark! The Captain rings his bell For brunch, with much impatience! Hasten! Cheese and caramels! -And offer him obeisance! g. c.
“Avast ye, me hearties! A ship to starboard! And she’s loaded with spices and silk!” “Do you think they have cream?” A pirate implored; “I prefer cream in tea, over milk.” The mate and the swabs chewed upon their hard tack With cutlasses sharpened, and knives: (Though some of them knitted , and some played with jacks, And some wrote sweet poems to their wives.)
c: The salt in the air and the wind in your hair All the secrets and strength of the sea The Hoist of the sail and the spout of the whale And the life of a Pirate is free The rum that we drank and the noose and the plank All ye buccaneers, swashbuckling savages, Horizons are open, we’re all of us hoping That we’re free to relent from the ravages And heal from our various damages
The parrot croaked, “murder!” and epithets foul, And the Captain lit candles in beard And adjusted his eyepatch, his hook and his scowl, And thought about wenches, and leered. But the swabs were distracted by talk of ballet, And the mate had to check on his fern, The gunners were busy with their macrame, And the pies in the oven would burn.
Soon the ship with rich booty was too far to see, And the Captain he hung up his hook, And sat down to crumpets and cupcakes and tea, And read a nice romantic book.
I’ve had my share of wenches and I’ve had my fill of trulls They’ve keelhauled me a thousand times; I’ve breached all of their hulls There was Betty with no bloomers, there was Wendy with her whips There was Sonja and her strange device and all of Liza’s lips, But I never have been sullied By the stirrings of my loins: For the dirty is in money And the shame is in the coin c: And the Devil’s door is golden And the money seals your fate For the more that you are holding Then the greater is the weight And your judgement is appalling If your pockets are lined well For I’ll float while you are falling To the lowest pits of Hell
I’ve been in Roman orgies and I’ve worn some lingerie I’ve seen the games the Island Girls and Nordic Beauties play They’ve spanked me on the buttocks, they’ve covered me in cream They’ve tied me down and had their way and made me cry and scream, But I never felt so filthy As I do with all this gold It is made of mud and murder And it’s desperately cold
I have lost myself in silken thighs and bosoms deep as oceans I’ve crawled through sewers, slums and swamps and all I wore was lotions There was Hattie and her husband, there was Winnie and her wife There was Jenny who was not a girl and all of that was life, But I never have been tainted As I am from these doubloons; For the sickness is in money And I wish I was immune
I’ve sailed hot seas of chocolate, The bane of lolly-boats, The truffle-barges yield their freight (So they can better float)! I’m maple syruptitious When the waffle ferries pass: They’re ambushed, then delicious When I ravage them at last! c: The dreaded Captain Sugarbeard! The scourge of seven sweets! The bonbon Barons quake in fear At thoughts of ravished fleets! The dreaded Captain Sugarbeard! The ravening Corsair! Your nougats shall be commandeered, Confectioners beware! My appetite’s voracious For plundered carrot cake, I tend to wax loquacious Over tartlets, freshly baked, My crew and I have pillaged Salted caramels by the pile, Our hideout is no tavern, But a secret dessert isle! c. g. I have drunk an egg cream ocean And a lake of malted milk Filled with furious emotion! Clad in fruit leather and silk! The Captains of the donut ships And galleons of jam All know to fear these frosted lips- The Captains know I am: c. The stolen bales of macaroons And casks of lemonade And Danishes with sugared prunes They’re right to be afraid. Surrender, candy clippers, For my Jelly Roger flies! (But the dolphins clap their flippers For I share the cherry pies). c.