Don’t Disturb the Captain

Please don’t disturb the Captain
As he takes his blessed nap
On his golden bed, that’s wrapped in
Velvet curtains. Take this map!
Plot our ship a fruitful course
Through rough and rocky seas!
Furthermore, some other chores:
Hoist the mainsail, please!

c: Please-
Don’t disturb the Captain
The Captain’s awful rough
He can’t be more disturbed
He’s been disturbed enough.

Swab the decks! Feed the crew!
And plug the leaks- and dance!
The lido stage awaits you
(And you mustn’t wear your pants)
The captain also cut your pay
Admire his moustache!
Make bondage gear from macrame
To sell for extra cash!
Don’t try to ask the Captain,
Don’t awake him with appeal
The ship would soon be scrapped, in
Moments, should he take the wheel
He may have once known how to sail
But now he sees mirages,
He only works on cocktails
And soliciting massages
Now hark! The Captain rings his bell
For brunch, with much impatience!
Hasten! Cheese and caramels!
-And offer him obeisance!


The Cap’n’s Wafers

Yer sure to be a damn sight safer
If ye keep yer hooks off the
Cap’n’s Wafers…

But thirsty pirates cry to savor
Rum with crumbs of
Cap’n’s Wafers

“Ye saucy wench, go fetch the tray fer
Grog to wash down
Cap’n’s Wafers!”

Fer that booty, pirates gave her
Looted loads of
Cap’n’s Wafers

Buccaneers arr even brave
Swashbuckling under
Cap’n’s Wafers

Mutineers arr sold to slavers
Slavering fer
Cap’n’s Wafers

Natives tricked by sly palaver
Trade their pearls fer
Cap’n’s Wafers

Mermaids sing as they display their
Treasure chests fer
Cap’n’s Wafers

Freebooters groom the beards they favor
Combing out the
Cap’n’s Wafers

At Queen’s decree, the Navy shaves her
Privateers fer
Cap’n’s Wafers!

Yer sure to be a damn sight safer,
If ye keep yer hooks off the
Cap’n’s Wafers.

The Pirate’s Relent

“Avast ye, me hearties! A ship to starboard!
And she’s loaded with spices and silk!”
“Do you think they have cream?” A pirate implored;
“I prefer cream in tea, over milk.”
The mate and the swabs chewed upon their hard tack
With cutlasses sharpened, and knives:
(Though some of them knitted , and some played with jacks,
And some wrote sweet poems to their wives.)

The salt in the air and the wind in your hair
All the secrets and strength of the sea
The Hoist of the sail and the spout of the whale
And the life of a Pirate is free
The rum that we drank and the noose and the plank
All ye buccaneers, swashbuckling savages,
Horizons are open, we’re all of us hoping
That we’re free to relent from the ravages
And heal from our various damages

The parrot croaked, “murder!” and epithets foul,
And the Captain lit candles in beard
And adjusted his eyepatch, his hook and his scowl,
And thought about wenches, and leered.
But the swabs were distracted by talk of ballet,
And the mate had to check on his fern,
The gunners were busy with their macrame,
And the pies in the oven would burn.


Soon the ship with rich booty was too far to see,
And the Captain he hung up his hook,
And sat down to crumpets and cupcakes and tea,
And read a nice romantic book.


The Dirty Coin

I’ve had my share of wenches and I’ve had my fill of trulls
They’ve keelhauled me a thousand times; I’ve breached all of their hulls
There was Betty with no bloomers, there was Wendy with her whips
There was Sonja and her strange device and all of Liza’s lips,
But I never have been sullied
By the stirrings of my loins:
For the dirty is in money
And the shame is in the coin
And the Devil’s door is golden
And the money seals your fate
For the more that you are holding
Then the greater is the weight
And your judgement is appalling
If your pockets are lined well
For I’ll float while you are falling
To the lowest pits of Hell

I’ve been in Roman orgies and I’ve worn some lingerie
I’ve seen the games the Island Girls and Nordic Beauties play
They’ve spanked me on the buttocks, they’ve covered me in cream
They’ve tied me down and had their way and made me cry and scream,
But I never felt so filthy
As I do with all this gold
It is made of mud and murder
And it’s desperately cold


I have lost myself in silken thighs and bosoms deep as oceans
I’ve crawled through sewers, slums and swamps and all I wore was lotions
There was Hattie and her husband, there was Winnie and her wife
There was Jenny who was not a girl and all of that was life,
But I never have been tainted
As I am from these doubloons;
For the sickness is in money
And I wish I was immune


Captain Sugarbeard

I’ve sailed hot seas of chocolate,
The bane of lolly-boats,
The truffle-barges yield their freight
(So they can better float)!
I’m maple syruptitious
When the waffle ferries pass:
They’re ambushed, then delicious
When I ravage them at last!
The dreaded Captain Sugarbeard!
The scourge of seven sweets!
The bonbon Barons quake in fear
At thoughts of ravished fleets!
The dreaded Captain Sugarbeard!
The ravening Corsair!
Your nougats shall be commandeered,
Confectioners beware!
My appetite’s voracious
For plundered carrot cake,
I tend to wax loquacious
Over tartlets, freshly baked,
My crew and I have pillaged
Salted caramels by the pile,
Our hideout is no tavern,
But a secret dessert isle!
I have drunk an egg cream ocean
And a lake of malted milk
Filled with furious emotion!
Clad in fruit leather and silk!
The Captains of the donut ships
And galleons of jam
All know to fear these frosted lips-
The Captains know I am:
The stolen bales of macaroons
And casks of lemonade
And Danishes with sugared prunes
They’re right to be afraid.
Surrender, candy clippers,
For my Jelly Roger flies!
(But the dolphins clap their flippers
For I share the cherry pies).